I wonder, I wonder, I wonder. How hard we work to gain entry to that sacred place, to enter inside and float away, around in circles. With a smile. This is what I would wonder and I do it to myself. I always do and will do it to myself. Injecting the memories, everything that is mine, yours, his, hers, and everyone I never met, even people who have been very, very dead. I read about them, and get a little joy with the knowledge that they never knew me, but far submerged inside myself it breaks my structure. We all die some day but at this time, during this life, I’ll be the protector of mother’s lost boys, when really I hunger to be the lover. I am starved, severely starved. My sacred place, where souls swim in and out of and soak up the sun light, except for myself, where I clamor to any solid frame that comes along with a silent, dripping screech. I am left somewhat alone with my rivers, my little haunted place, my ghosts. Left with them who whisper and I wonder…I wonder…I wonder…the chilling nature of extravagance and the proof of compassion, what does it feel like to be the stuff dreams are made of, what about riding on stars, the power of malicious atonement, permanent nostalgia, and exchanging urgency to serenity … ever still I wonder…what does this make of me?
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
It’s been a long while, I got back a little over a week ago from my trip. It was something, was what it was. I can easily say I do not regret doing it, however it didn’t treat me so well on the emotional level. On the learning scale though, it was good. If I were to write the positives of this trip I would say that,
Number One: I got to travel for free to Europe and back ,and I did get to visit some small, quite towns of Germany for three days.
Number Two: When I was able to get out and socialize (because I wasn’t doing anything else and desperately needed to do something) I got to work in the merchandise booth and I did extremely well breaking the language barriers. I learned that I can pick up things very quickly.
Number Three: I left the country for a month, a long month, and although I wasn’t totally fending for myself, I was able to take care of myself at a decent level. Therefore, I can do okay for myself for a short while.
Number Four: I am by far, more humble than most people.
Those are something’s I’m taking from this. There were a lot of negatives, of which I will not list, but made me feel very uncomfortable and unhappy. The feelings I have of myself lowered immensely and I felt very alone, unwanted, unneeded, unspecial, and unpretty. Yes, they are my usual feelings when I become neglected however they escalated in to proportions I’ve never felt before, and all the while, regurgitating horrible memories and thoughts that have caused enough damage earlier on . It was difficult for me to be around the vanities and the backwards thinking of some, and the unspoken insecurities that radiate off of the individuals I gravitate to: emotionally destroyed me. I am very lucky I had Daniel to talk to me a little every day. Yet, I did something I’ve never done before, although I wouldn’t call a failed attempt at babysitting to be an achievement, just to end up doing what I do as an artist and a bartender anyway. Still, I did get to meet some interesting individuals.
One person asked me if I would do it again, I said maybe, simply because of the money I could get if it were a better tour and the ability to travel and meet some other interesting people. I would only do it, though, if I was guaranteed more, promoted as an artist (not as a nanny), and assigned the job of merchandise girl, not having to deal with babysitting or dramatic people at all. It really does depend though.
It has been nice since I’ve been back. Not spectacular, but nice. My first day back at work made me feel very appreciated and missed and Daniel has been very wonderful to me. I’m so happy to see him and be able to spend time with him again. What has made it not spectacular is coming back to my parents causing disarray by their, I would suppose, misconceptions of my life, and my art not really making face…at all. My parents have been slowly going downhill when it comes to their common sense and even knowledge of their own child. If I had not grown up as much as I have over these few years, especially since knowing Daniel, then I have no idea how long it would have taken me to get as far as I have. Although it has caused me to see my parents constant blunders and flawed logic 10xs faster than ever before, it has been…disappointing… and as a daughter; frustrating. For a long while it has felt that I have been parenting my parents and now it really seems that way as I point my finger at my mother telling her that ‘It’s not nice to snatch things that don’t belong to us, and I certainly don’t appreciate her doing so with my art work.’ I don’t much care for talking to my mother in that way.
My art life since I have been back feels like it’s at its lowest, which is like a kick in the groin while you’re already down. I had a place to hang art, but they changed some rules and I do not believe I will be able to hang work there anymore. However I plan on talking to them sometime soon. Other than that I have no work displayed anywhere, which is pretty sad for me, it’s also a first in a long time. However, I sort of am lying low, and hoping to do more stuff on my own first. Although I feel that saying that is an excuse for “I’m not doing well.” Things happen though. You can never expect what’s next.
I guess I don’t really feel much like writing anymore today.
Posted by Nick Dunkenstein at 11:18 AM
Thursday, April 16, 2015
I dreamt that my computer got a virus and started throwing a melee of pop ups and random pictures found on the internet all over the screen. Then my phone got the same virus, I had no idea what was happening and I needed to get to my car because it felt like everything was stopping me from doing what makes me happiest, and from my work. I was worried about my car. I questioned my writing skills and asked myself what happened since I used to write so much better than this. I thought about how last night wasn’t the best for anyone. It was then 5:20AM when my phone made a noise and I was told to meet up at 1:30PM. What was I going to do with my car? Leaving it in Springfield is not what I originally wanted to do, especially out in the road. I got up to see my mother, to have her look at my suit case. I said good-bye and I’ll let her know when I’m there. I couldn’t sleep all night, I kept checking my phone which kept going off because of the mass message I was involved in. I kept checking to see if it might have been someone far more important to me, but he wasn’t messaging me. It was pretty early anyway, and I really wanted to sleep and I know he lets me sleep, I turned the message volume down. I had to be up at 9 for some reason.
My mother asked me if this is what I really wanted to do, I know what she’s meaning, which is annoying, but I looked at her and shrugged. It isn’t exactly, I was hoping I could do something better and more organized. I seem to be good at getting myself involved in failing events, places, and even people. I look to myself to try to fix them, I know how, but it takes a whole community to fix something and there is no community. There is no harmony with the things I get involved with, and that’s what I need to deliver. I know that I can, however no one listens to me because I am considered simple and even innocent. No, this isn’t what I really wanted to do, I got involved with it because of a hasty decision, and I told myself to take new opportunities if they came at me this year. I also had no idea that this was what it was going to be like; I thought there was more structure, more community. Or maybe I’m feeling my nerves acting up because I wanted more before I went away and I’m scared of being on my own and not myself for a while. I know the shows will be an entertaining delight, I know that working out is going to be a pain in the ass. Sleeping may or may not be fruitful and my musings will not be understood. Once I am out my nerves will calm down more, I’ve also suffered from not much sleep for a few weeks. I am aiming to get more of that on the way. I feel jetlag will actually be beneficial for me. It was the last time I left the country.
I haven’t even put on make-up or dried my hair as of yet, I’m not ready for anything right now. I’m pondering more about what to make of my car, since no one else has thought of this. If I know myself, I know I will think of something, none of which will help my stomach from feeling so unsettled. It will help if I can talk to my crush for a little, he can make things feel better. I am still anxious about being away from him. He has been there for a long time, I like that and I’m used to it. I really do love and care about him. I have brought up my woes a little to him, he has told me that nothing will happen besides work and fixing up his home. I love it when he says that his home will be all new when I get back. The little bit of anticipation in his voice is wonderful. I’m mostly scared because of how much I feel for him, having my feelings out on the line have hurt me so much in my life, and previous issues has hurt me greatly, and he has now become something quite frightening to me because I really see how deeply I feel about him. When a person feels that way about another, that other person becomes an absolutely scary person. I have my feelings lying out for him to do as he pleases with, and I’m praying that they don’t get hurt again. I want things stitched up, I am ready for being loved and to love in return. He helped me with my overseas works outs last night and titled the document he sent me ‘Mittens’ and my heart swelled. I never even thought I’d ever like someone calling me Nikki. But only him.
I should probably finish getting ready, I am very tired.
Posted by Nick Dunkenstein at 8:44 AM
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
It could be considered weird to be posting twice in one day. I am feeling on edge, even a little down. I don’t care for this part of the coaster. I’m ready to go. I have all my items together except what’s in the wash at this very moment. Right now the part I need to work on is the spare room, I need to figure out a place for all my art work and the work I still have of my crushes. It would have been fabulous to have been able to hang these works up somewhere for this month so that they could be in the care of someone else and out of the way of my parents. Unfortunately for me the month that everything was up and out of the way has passed and I never got around to doing the Silver Cow because of all other sorts of issues that I care not to think about ever again. I wanted to ask some friends if they could look after my works and show them every now and then, to sell my works the way I’ve done for others, but then I remembered I don’t have many friends. I have a hand full of friends that would actually do that and they are busy doing their own stuff, of which I would rather not bother them with extra stuff to worry about. I practically don’t talk to anyone anymore, which is either their choice, my choice, or because I don’t want to burden anyone. This art work is proving to be a hard thing to deal with (why I stopped doing a lot of art in the first place). I love it, I really do, and the works I care for from others, I love them too and I want to sell them for all of us. I should probably work on that harder when I get back. Money helps every little bit, on top of that my crush has some dental work he wants done at some point, I want to help him a lot with it. I hate feeling so useless though, except for money circumstances. I would like to be able to do more than just loan out money or give money.
I’m feeling super disheartened by everything, I feel this all the time; you can tell me that every day and all day. I get it. I suppose it hasn’t helped that everyone around me seems to be irritated. My parents are frustrated because I haven’t given them information about my travels and I keep walking away from them which is hurting their feelings, My crush is irritated from exhaustion and other stuff (possibly stress from house issues), The band I’m touring with is all irritated by all the stress that’s surrounding them and personal problems, I’m irritated because I don’t have any information, I can’t solve any of these problems, nagging, my status in life, and I feel as though I can’t express my feelings without being reprimanded in some strange way for feeling this way. There are people that think I should know everything, and those that think I should just be funny and happy. Just be funny and make everyone laugh...this is going to be who I’m supposed to be for a month. I would like to have been able to see everyone off on happier terms but it simply isn’t a good time for anyone. I have a few days that I can still talk to my crush, which is nice, but I don’t know if he will want to talk. I really hate feeling so insecure and worried. I have broken out a bit around my chin, which profoundly sucks.
My positive side is doing its best to break through, this littlest part of me in the back of my head that keeps me going, even if it’s for the fuckery of it. These are legitimate reasons for keeping my head up, however. Not just bullshit that someone tells another person like; It’ll be okay/ Darkest before dawn and all that good bullocks when everyone knows that your dog just got hit by a car, not just hit but practically slaughtered and you can take it to the vet but you damn sure that thing isn’t coming back, and that same day you just got a note from the doctor saying that you have HIV and a malignant tumor that will kill you very slowly and very painfully…and you broke! Those being the positives of the day. Hallmark cards can’t fix that. Anyway, no, I tell myself more realistic things. You can’t have success doing the same thing all the time, or as my crush likes to tell me “Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.” This is something very new and very different from what I normally do therefore, it’s all brand new. Of course I wonder if this will be beneficial in anyway, I have no idea, but it’s different, I’m going to go with that. After that I get to go home for a little, I also get to visit new places that I’ve never been before. Brand new experiences-yay- never been to Germany-yay n’ shit- brand new places to explore for a little bit if I can. Next, I picked the best colour to paint my nails, they look great, it’s a perfect purple. Pretty n’ shit. It’s only a month, a sort of vacation, when I get back my crush will be there and so will my job. My hope is that my bar will be doing better and can pay me all the money I am owed and get me back on to an hourly schedule, and then my crush may perhaps want to give me a chance as being something more than what we are. I have wanted those for a while though. For sure, when I get back, my art and cartoons and writings will be here. I hope to have the energy to work on those and complete them this year.
These are my desires. I only have to break through this long period of slowness.
Posted by Nick Dunkenstein at 6:23 PM
It was interesting yesterday, I was talking to the figure drawing teacher about some issues and while we were walking to the gallery she says, “Love is never enough.” Go back a few months ago where I read an article comparing two well known singers on their choices of meanings towards people/loved ones and the like. John Lennon and Trent Reznor; The Beetles and Nine Inch Nails. The Beetles sang about love, equalization and all that such, NIN goes on about broken hearts and all sorts of angst. One famous song by the Beetles is “All You Need Is Love.” And then for the NIN song: “Love Is Not Enough.” The article makes a lot of sense, although I was curious if I was simply being biased because I like NIN more than the Beetles, and John Lennon has always kind of irked me, where as Trent has always been pretty heart melting for me. Still, hearing her say “Love is never enough” left me with a spark. It is nothing but clear. One cannot simply love a human and expect all to be satisfied and well, there will be fights, there will be issues, there will be building, there will be growth; There is you and there is them. With all that, there is love, but to love one must sacrifice and make the best of themselves and the person that they are loving. To shine a light off yourself, and to break free that light inside another. With that, and for the concept of children, love is never enough: that is your whole life. You must sacrifice yourself to construct another being. You give up apart of yourself to bring up another. That is if you want to do it properly. Similar to some bugs, where they sacrifice themselves as their babies first meal, that is not just love, that is human nature. The good things with humans, is that they can usually get back to what they are passionate about after a little while when things have settled down a bit.
It’s odd to imagine that love and sacrifice can be one and the same. That does not mean we lose ourselves and our love dwindles, it means we know how to nurture and how to balance what is right, wrong, and responsible. Putting aside our selfish desires, to make a stronger bond.
It’s beautiful to see that there are others out there that know this, I can only wish them the best and to please carry this on. I feel much of the world gets taught backwards thinking and with that generations get messed up. There are a lot of things to mend.
Posted by Nick Dunkenstein at 12:15 PM
Monday, April 13, 2015
I spent most of the day packing and preparing myself for my trip. The majority of the time was spent with my new Ipod, new as in from Christmas. I suppose I should have spent more time with it earlier on when I first got it, so then I wouldn’t have wasted so much of my day pouring music into it. There is still so much music that I haven’t gone through but I feel that 749 songs should keep me well occupied during my free and immobile moments on the travels. I’m pretty pleased with how much I have packed, I even have a tiny bit of room for those last minute extras. Best part is that on my way back, if all goes according to plan, I should have a little more room, due to a monthly cycle and using up packets of baby wipes to keep myself cleaned without being able to bathe. My only sadness is that I was unable to really pack my loveliest outfits since it wouldn’t be all too practical since many of those outfits don’t mix and match well with one another. I remind myself that I will probably not be going out to interact with society like the band will, and with that I probably won’t be seen so much with the band to feel the desire to look as excellent and flamboyant as them. I did however, treat myself with a simple small dress, since I have items that work with it and it is small and easy to transport. I would like to be able to wear something very lovely at least once, something feminine and delicate, just because. I would like to bring the necklace someone special got me one year, but I’m too scared of it breaking. If I can carry my back pack AND big purse on (which normally I should, but I don’t know Singapore airlines so well) I may carry it on with me. I cherish it, I cherish anything he gets me, anything he makes for me. I will feel very lovely with it and the dress.
I have discovered that we will be departing for Europe from New York, which is neat, I’ve never been to New York nor have I departed abroad from anywhere but LA. I understand, just like my experience with LA, that departing doesn’t mean you’ve visited the area. It will still be neat to feel the air difference and the energy difference. It’s still a strange travel plan to me. I’m not excited about all the driving. I won’t be out of the country ‘til the 18th. We will be driving to NY, kind of annoying if you can understand what it’s like to fly abroad. But I suppose you do what you have to do, and they’ve done this for about 15 years and it’s worked for them. Sometimes it feels as though a lot of things I’ve done these past few years have almost been preparing me for this tour. Such as; learning to properly hand wash clothes, cope with messy and oily hair/skin, living a little more on the simpler/basic side of things…I am still indulging because I can and I want to, because it’s me and I love dressing nice, also because I feel I should (and I don’t feel so comfortable as to wear just a giant shirt with my hair sticking up on all ends and no make-up, as I can around my special someone)..but it is odd. I’m still worried about not fitting in and feeling very lonely most of the trip. I have taken precautions to bring a new sketchbook and a kindle filled with books, so when I start to feel my heart dropping I can do something new to take my time off the loneliness. I do hope I’ll be able to have the ability to get online to check my mail an okay amount of time, without racking up a huge phone bill on my phone. I’m sort of hoping that someone will have some kindness towards me, if worse comes to worse, and allow me to use a computer to check mail and other such things. I know someone will have a computer. I know. I’m still deciding on jackets to bring, my body is no longer acclimated to European weather, so I want so badly to bring my fantastic, gigantic, beast coats, but I can’t for the fuck of me remember what 50-60F felt like over there.
I simply already can’t wait to be back! I really want to work on my book, my comic book, my body, and my other art works. I do feel though now, that having a little vacation wouldn’t hurt me. It would be nice if this could benefit me in some way for my art career, but I don’t know how. It would be neat to make new friends, but again I don’t know how. It would be really nice to get to say hi to some of my family members, but I don’t believe we will be in the right area to where my cousin is having her wedding. I think, around 3 hours out of the way. I mostly want to get on my comic, I want to fix some of the little problems that have been noted and start writing that next script; Which is something else I need to bring, my notebooks for my comics! Who knows what I might be able to think of while I’m traveling.
I really do love music. Ridiculously. But I will admit, going through it to put stuff on my mp3 player kinda made me hate the fact that I love curtain artists so deeply. Every time I opened a folder with a favourite artists name on it, I was silently screaming at all the music that I had to shift through. It was like Fi-Fi-Fo-Fuck and I was engulfed by a horde of really awesome tiny bugs that I absolutely loved but I couldn’t keep my eye on where I was going so I didn’t step on them and then BAM, they’ve covered my entire body and I can’t breathe and I am dead. It’s okay though, I really liked it, it’s all my favourite songs..but, sweet apple archers, if my fav musicians aren’t damn prolific in their genius and their fans aren’t some crazy fuckers.
Posted by Nick Dunkenstein at 10:10 PM
Sunday, April 12, 2015
It’s only a few more days, that is all that has been on my mind, and everything else that comes along with being gone. I am constantly haunted by the phrase “Out of sight, out of mind.” All my life; I remember the first time I came to encounter those words, it was an episode of the animated series of Beetlejuice. The cartoon, of course, took it to a different level thanks to its over abundance in the pun play, but still. That phrase…makes me shutter. In the cartoon Lydia and Beetlejuice had a fight causing Lydia to walk away from Bj and his antics of which, according to him, he can’t help and makes him who he is. This separation causes Bj to go into such a depression that he pulls her inside his head, because he cannot get her out of his thoughts because he loves her so much. In the cartoon he had to say the phrase to get her out of his head and back into life. Cute, however when I hear it elsewhere, it is not a pun nor is it something sweet and innocent. People say it with such gloom that it absolutely crushes me. I think that sometimes, I am the only person who is unable to feel this compilation of words as fully as everyone else. I find that it’s some of the most apathetically powerful words in existence. What a way to ruin a person’s day.
I would like to take it to the lesser extremes. Yes, an item. I forgot to give someone their Tupperware back even after I washed it and told myself to bring it to work if in case he comes in. “Nick, you should put it with your bag so you see it and don’t forget it.” I’ll stare at the item for 5 minutes thinking, knowing, and playing it all in my head with what will happen. I then tell myself; “Yes, I won’t forget it. I’ll dry it later, my god, I am exhausted.” Outta Sight, Outta Mind; That’s a mild way of using that saying, the simple things in life that don’t matter to you, when not in your line of vision won’t linger around your thoughts. Now, when adding a living being person to that; ouch. That’s not to say that I haven’t forgotten about someone because, let me reassure you, I forget a name and a face, only when I don’t interact with them enough making them barely a background character in my life. But I could never forget someone so important in my life and that’s where the cliché gets to me. People say things like this, and it terrifies me when they say it about people that matter so much in my life, with that I hear myself say it when someone becomes important to me. Please, don’t forget about me. Please, keep me. Please, love me forever. Don’t ever stop, because I cannot. But I would suppose that almost sounds too desperate. One can’t tell another person that without scaring the living hell out of them.
Another thing to note, the idiom expresses the total opposite of who I am, and any other individual like myself. Which I believe is one of the reasons why it frightens me so much. It displays the concept of an emotionless life form. Think computers; I cannot equate myself to a machine for I am not. Another phrase, which I have heard rides a similar line as “Out of sight, out of mind”, and one that I personally love, because it cancels out the lack of humanity in that phrase is: “Computers can wreak a nice peach” or in other words: “Computers can recognize speech.” Please, don’t equate yourself to a computer, you are not a machine.
I don’t know what I mean to people, I would like to know, the answers that could pop up concern me though. I imagine no one thinks of me unless they need something that they know I could assist them with, because I will bend over backwards for people. I don’t know why, I can’t even say that it’s only for people I like, because I have been known to prop up those who have hurt me. I do know there are cases where individuals that I have come in contact with have begged others to bring me back to them. I have even had people borderline stalk me. I wouldn’t call it obsession; I am unable to think of anything that could make a person obsess over me, those individuals though, I can safely say are not the kind of people a person should really be interacting with. Perhaps it’s something else? I haven’t the slightest idea, and I want to, so badly. I worry about being a disappointment. I worry about failure. I worry about coming back to nothing. I worry about simply being in the way. I want to stop being obsessed over the anxiety of this trip. Just don’t forget about me, keep me and love me. Don’t listen to that idiom. Remember me. I feel like I’m rambling because I’m feeling nervous about things I have to do. I had a good day today, I wanted to be selfish and have it last forever. I want to have more good days like that, I’d love even better days! I hope when I get back they’ll be even better! I also hope…he doesn’t love Cheetos more than he loves me…
There are good expressions out there, there have been plenty in my life I have had to say to myself over and over. Just as there are good words. I have to remind myself;
-What other people think of me is none of my business.
- But sometimes your light attracts moths, and your warmth attracts parasites. Protect your space and energy.
-Don’t judge a book by its cover.
-You’re still going to be criticized, so you may as well do as you please.
-If you can’t beat them, dress better than them.
-Man is least himself when he talks in his own person, give him a mask and he will tell you the truth.
Posted by Nick Dunkenstein at 9:55 PM