Thursday, April 16, 2015

High Anxieties

   I dreamt that my computer got a virus and started throwing a melee of pop ups and random pictures found on the internet all over the screen. Then my phone got the same virus, I had no idea what was happening and I needed to get to my car because it felt like everything was stopping me from doing what makes me happiest, and from my work. I was worried about my car. I questioned my writing skills and asked myself what happened since I used to write so much better than this. I thought about how last night wasn’t the best for anyone. It was then 5:20AM when my phone made a noise and I was told to meet up at 1:30PM. What was I going to do with my car? Leaving it in Springfield is not what I originally wanted to do, especially out in the road. I got up to see my mother, to have her look at my suit case. I said good-bye and I’ll let her know when I’m there. I couldn’t sleep all night, I kept checking my phone which kept going off because of the mass message I was involved in. I kept checking to see if it might have been someone far more important to me, but he wasn’t messaging me. It was pretty early anyway, and I really wanted to sleep and I know he lets me sleep, I turned the message volume down. I had to be up at 9 for some reason.

   My mother asked me if this is what I really wanted to do, I know what she’s meaning, which is annoying, but I looked at her and shrugged. It isn’t exactly, I was hoping I could do something better and more organized. I seem to be good at getting myself involved in failing events, places, and even people. I look to myself to try to fix them, I know how, but it takes a whole community to fix something and there is no community. There is no harmony with the things I get involved with, and that’s what I need to deliver. I know that I can, however no one listens to me because I am considered simple and even innocent. No, this isn’t what I really wanted to do, I got involved with it because of a hasty decision, and I told myself to take new opportunities if they came at me this year. I also had no idea that this was what it was going to be like; I thought there was more structure, more community. Or maybe I’m feeling my nerves acting up because I wanted more before I went away and I’m scared of being on my own and not myself for a while. I know the shows will be an entertaining delight, I know that working out is going to be a pain in the ass. Sleeping may or may not be fruitful and my musings will not be understood. Once I am out my nerves will calm down more, I’ve also suffered from not much sleep for a few weeks. I am aiming to get more of that on the way. I feel jetlag will actually be beneficial for me. It was the last time I left the country.

   I haven’t even put on make-up or dried my hair as of yet, I’m not ready for anything  right now. I’m pondering more about what to make of my car, since no one else has thought of this. If I know myself, I know I will think of something, none of which will help my stomach from feeling so unsettled. It will help if I can talk to my crush for a little, he can make things feel better. I am still anxious about being away from him. He has been there for a long time, I like that and I’m used to it. I really do love and care about him. I have brought up my woes a little to him, he has told me that nothing will happen besides work and fixing up his home. I love it when he says that his home will be all new when I get back. The little bit of anticipation in his voice is wonderful. I’m mostly scared because of how much I feel for him, having my feelings out on the line have hurt me so much in my life, and previous issues has hurt me greatly, and he has now become something quite frightening to me because I really see how deeply I feel about him. When a person feels that way about another, that other person becomes an absolutely scary person. I have my feelings lying out for him to do as he pleases with, and I’m praying that they don’t get hurt again. I want things stitched up, I am ready for being loved and to love in return. He helped me with my overseas works outs last night and titled the document he sent me ‘Mittens’ and my heart swelled. I never even thought I’d ever like someone calling me Nikki. But only him.   

I should probably finish getting ready, I am very tired. 

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