It could be considered weird to be posting twice in one day. I am feeling on edge, even a little down. I don’t care for this part of the coaster. I’m ready to go. I have all my items together except what’s in the wash at this very moment. Right now the part I need to work on is the spare room, I need to figure out a place for all my art work and the work I still have of my crushes. It would have been fabulous to have been able to hang these works up somewhere for this month so that they could be in the care of someone else and out of the way of my parents. Unfortunately for me the month that everything was up and out of the way has passed and I never got around to doing the Silver Cow because of all other sorts of issues that I care not to think about ever again. I wanted to ask some friends if they could look after my works and show them every now and then, to sell my works the way I’ve done for others, but then I remembered I don’t have many friends. I have a hand full of friends that would actually do that and they are busy doing their own stuff, of which I would rather not bother them with extra stuff to worry about. I practically don’t talk to anyone anymore, which is either their choice, my choice, or because I don’t want to burden anyone. This art work is proving to be a hard thing to deal with (why I stopped doing a lot of art in the first place). I love it, I really do, and the works I care for from others, I love them too and I want to sell them for all of us. I should probably work on that harder when I get back. Money helps every little bit, on top of that my crush has some dental work he wants done at some point, I want to help him a lot with it. I hate feeling so useless though, except for money circumstances. I would like to be able to do more than just loan out money or give money.
I’m feeling super disheartened by everything, I feel this all the time; you can tell me that every day and all day. I get it. I suppose it hasn’t helped that everyone around me seems to be irritated. My parents are frustrated because I haven’t given them information about my travels and I keep walking away from them which is hurting their feelings, My crush is irritated from exhaustion and other stuff (possibly stress from house issues), The band I’m touring with is all irritated by all the stress that’s surrounding them and personal problems, I’m irritated because I don’t have any information, I can’t solve any of these problems, nagging, my status in life, and I feel as though I can’t express my feelings without being reprimanded in some strange way for feeling this way. There are people that think I should know everything, and those that think I should just be funny and happy. Just be funny and make everyone laugh...this is going to be who I’m supposed to be for a month. I would like to have been able to see everyone off on happier terms but it simply isn’t a good time for anyone. I have a few days that I can still talk to my crush, which is nice, but I don’t know if he will want to talk. I really hate feeling so insecure and worried. I have broken out a bit around my chin, which profoundly sucks.
My positive side is doing its best to break through, this littlest part of me in the back of my head that keeps me going, even if it’s for the fuckery of it. These are legitimate reasons for keeping my head up, however. Not just bullshit that someone tells another person like; It’ll be okay/ Darkest before dawn and all that good bullocks when everyone knows that your dog just got hit by a car, not just hit but practically slaughtered and you can take it to the vet but you damn sure that thing isn’t coming back, and that same day you just got a note from the doctor saying that you have HIV and a malignant tumor that will kill you very slowly and very painfully…and you broke! Those being the positives of the day. Hallmark cards can’t fix that. Anyway, no, I tell myself more realistic things. You can’t have success doing the same thing all the time, or as my crush likes to tell me “Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.” This is something very new and very different from what I normally do therefore, it’s all brand new. Of course I wonder if this will be beneficial in anyway, I have no idea, but it’s different, I’m going to go with that. After that I get to go home for a little, I also get to visit new places that I’ve never been before. Brand new experiences-yay- never been to Germany-yay n’ shit- brand new places to explore for a little bit if I can. Next, I picked the best colour to paint my nails, they look great, it’s a perfect purple. Pretty n’ shit. It’s only a month, a sort of vacation, when I get back my crush will be there and so will my job. My hope is that my bar will be doing better and can pay me all the money I am owed and get me back on to an hourly schedule, and then my crush may perhaps want to give me a chance as being something more than what we are. I have wanted those for a while though. For sure, when I get back, my art and cartoons and writings will be here. I hope to have the energy to work on those and complete them this year.
These are my desires. I only have to break through this long period of slowness.