Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Hello Again



  It’s been a long while, I got back a little over a week ago from my trip. It was something, was what it was. I can easily say I do not regret doing it, however it didn’t treat me so well on the emotional level. On the learning scale though, it was good.  If I were to write the positives of this trip I would say that, 

Number One: I got to travel for free to Europe and back ,and I did get to visit some small, quite towns of Germany for three days.

Number Two: When I was able to get out and socialize (because I wasn’t doing anything else and desperately needed to do something) I got to work in the merchandise booth and I did extremely well breaking the language barriers. I learned that I can pick up things very quickly.

Number Three: I left the country for a month, a long month, and although I wasn’t totally fending for myself,  I was able to take care of myself at a decent level. Therefore, I can do okay for myself for a short while.

Number Four: I am by far, more humble than most people.

Those are something’s I’m taking from this. There were a lot of negatives, of which I will not list, but made me feel very uncomfortable and unhappy. The feelings I have of myself lowered immensely and I felt very alone, unwanted, unneeded, unspecial, and unpretty. Yes, they are my usual feelings when I become neglected however they escalated in to proportions I’ve never felt before, and all the while, regurgitating horrible memories and thoughts that have caused enough damage earlier on . It was difficult for me to be around the vanities and the backwards thinking of some, and the unspoken insecurities that radiate off of the individuals I gravitate to: emotionally destroyed me. I am very lucky I had Daniel to talk to me a little every day. Yet, I did something I’ve never done before, although I wouldn’t call a failed attempt at babysitting to be an achievement, just to end up doing what I do as an artist and a bartender anyway. Still, I did get to meet some interesting individuals.
One person asked me if I would do it again, I said maybe, simply because of the money I could get if it were a better tour and the ability to travel and meet some other interesting people. I would only do it, though, if I was guaranteed more, promoted as an artist (not as a nanny), and assigned the job of merchandise girl, not having to deal with babysitting or dramatic people at all. It really does depend though.

It has been nice since I’ve been back. Not spectacular, but nice. My first day back at work made me feel very appreciated and missed and Daniel has been very wonderful to me. I’m so happy to see him and be able to spend time with him again. What has made it not spectacular is coming back to my parents causing disarray by their, I would suppose, misconceptions of my life, and my art not really making face…at all. My parents have been slowly going downhill when it comes to their common sense and even knowledge of their own child. If I had not grown up as much as I have over these few years, especially since knowing Daniel, then I have no idea how long it would have taken me to get as far as I have. Although it has caused me to see my parents constant blunders and flawed logic 10xs faster than ever before, it has been…disappointing… and as a daughter; frustrating. For a long while it has felt that I have been parenting my parents and now it really seems that way as I point my finger at my mother telling her that ‘It’s not nice to snatch things that don’t belong to us, and I certainly don’t appreciate her doing so with my art work.’  I don’t much care for talking to my mother in that way.

My art life since I have been back feels like it’s at its lowest, which is like a kick in the groin while you’re already down.  I had a place to hang art, but they changed some rules and I do not believe I will be able to hang work there anymore. However I plan on talking to them sometime soon. Other than that I have no work displayed anywhere, which is pretty sad for me, it’s also a first in a long time. However, I sort of am lying low, and hoping to do more stuff on my own first. Although I feel that saying that is an excuse for “I’m not doing well.” Things happen though. You can never expect what’s next.

I guess I don’t really feel much like writing anymore today.

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