Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Memories and Ghost dreams

   I have finished my cat’s, Tiger Lou’s, memento mori box.  Although, I need to get better photos of it. I also need to get my 35mm lens checked out (digital), if it’s placed on a specific setting it usually is ok (as in manual or auto focus) , but last time I worked with it, it was so stubborn.  I should have taken better care of it, I’m honestly unsure of how it happened exactly; I can only assume that I must have dropped it at some point. I’m sure I did. Anyway the box; It is finished. I adore memento mori. I am not saying it should come back in fashion, but I do feel that the art of it would be nice to see again. I wouldn’t be against it coming back however…
   It’s taken a long time for me to finish it, due to life. I also wasn’t sure exactly what to do with it design wise. I didn’t really have something of hers’ to really incorporate until I remembered the little bunch of fur that was clipped from her before she was cremated. I would love to actually do some hair tying, but fur is a little impossible. I folded the bag the hair was in and clipped it inside the glass. It has puffed up like a pillow. It’s lovely. The inside isn’t so great, but I really couldn’t think of much. If I ever do, I will most likely fix it.

   The art of memento mori is something I’ve wanted to actually work on for a while, I find the meaning a pure form of love, one that VERY obviously states; “I will never forget.” For, as we should all know that forgetting is true death. Memento Mori photographs are haunting and also beautiful, I’ve always enjoyed looking at them and figuring out who was the deceased, their status in life, and how long they may have been expired for, along with how the photographer propped them up and kept working with props and cleaned the photos up. There are some photos that are stunning and make me feel sad that the passed individual could not see how beautiful their final image was before they left the living. It is also true that I have spent more hours admiring these photos and searching for them than a girl of my age should. I was able to make a creamation coffin for a girls’ mother, which I found to be a very honorable duty. I would hope that it is not my last request to incorporate a past individual into lasting art for the living individual. I believe it also helps with the grieving process and that is something in my long list of things that I would love to do in my life. I think it would be great to help grieving individuals and direct funerals. I know it sounds rather miserable to the average person, but when one thinks of it, that is a job that should be filled and it isn’t just a dirty job, it is one that can really help a person back on their feet.  I have witnessed so many funerals/memorials and such for people in my life that expressed absolutely no life to the person. Lacking completely in whom they were, what they did and completely devoid of any life: that’s misery. That is also the last thing a person will recall of said person and it will cause them grief when thinking, “damn it”. Or so I do, I’ll admit, I can be pretty harsh on critiquing everything that goes on. I just don’t say much because it would be considered inconsiderate and who am I to judge? I have no papers…amirite?

     Now my idea is not just a funeral home, it’s a wedding chapel as well.  Yes, one in the same, maybe even at the same time, I have a name written down, I even have some splendid ideas on the kind of music required and the people to higher. I really have had so much fun with this idea as it builds up more and more. I will say the wedding chapel will be far more lenient and fun, while the funerals would be more along the lines of proficient and serious, although adding a good touch of fun still. It’s certainly something I would love to see happen because of its uniqueness, it would also require me to go back to school and probably do something’s I don’t think I really want to do. I’m thinking of business classes…I am also positive I would have to deal with cadavers, which isn’t so bad but I know my empathy levels and I do not have faith that my empathy would permit me to be able to last long in that part of the education. Dealing with coffin works would be different than preparation before hand, and I would be incapable of clearing my head of the individual’s life and the tragedy of death and then the second, and more nihilistic form of tragedy that would include the concept of simply sucking out all that made this organism anything but a shell. The emotional roller coaster of thoughts and energies carried from one place to another, wouldn’t do so good for my positive vibes that I am trying to pass around. This is the part of the field that I am unsure of wither it would work or not, which is why I feel I would have to go into this with a partner. I would most likely have to research it more, ‘til then it’s a fabulous dream and one I can at least depict in stories. Trust me, I have ideas and plans.

   If life leads me in that direction, I will know and I will consider it and possibly take it. I could line the walls in art and memento moris. That would be pretty exciting. I guess some people would just ask why I don’t simply open a gallery. That my friends, wouldn’t do much for society. Why can’t I have both? If you can make others happy, then you should do it. If you can help others, then you should do it too. If you can make yourself happy while making others happy and possibly helping them at the same time, then do it. I know it’s easier said than done. I also know that I ask for a lot sometimes, even the impossible, but I can always dream. 

Monday, March 30, 2015

When Flying..

   Cleaning this thing out has made me feel more comfortable coming back into it, knowing that it’s fairly secluded from others is also nice. It’s nice to open this up and know that it’s empty and I am able to speak clearly. I am also very excited to have the chance to become closer to getting my dreams out there, it has become a little nerve wracking when I think about the words people may say or the things some may think, but really, when trying to control the dreaming…it’s not so easy. It’s the entire subconscious. The names of the people are kept out, unless dead or can be manipulated. If possible, I plan on getting the book done before I leave for my trip overseas. I feel I need to complete a multitude of things before I go, I also feel extra clingy and agitated when I have to leave my comfort zones.  This mood is normal for me however, when ever going somewhere all my life, I start to become this way.

  This trip though, I’m not excited about. It was a decision I made in a rash moment when I wanted to talk about it more. I’ll be babysitting for a month, a very long month. From what I’ve heard it’s from (estimated times) April  16 or 17th until around May 21st or 22. The closer it has come the more I want to run away from it, but I know it’s too late to back out and I hate to break promises. These people are trusting me with something very precious to them and although I still question the vitality of this trust, I did say yes. They aren’t terrible people; I simply do not feel as though I belong. Certainly not for the reasons they are having me tag along, for that matter, but even if it were for the reasons that would make more sense, I would still feel as though I am a puzzle piece being smashed into the wrong group.  Quite possibly even the wrong puzzle for that matter. I am very different from this group, though not so easily noticed from the untrained eye, once analyzed it is very clear, and I believe they must know as well. I’m not religious, I’m open minded and curious, even a hint of nihilistic tendencies at the worst. I’m extremely sarcastic, tastefully contradictive when I decide to be. I’m as professional as a kitten, I also think far more than most people should (not always on the things a person should be thinking about, might I add.) Basically, when trying to describe myself with this group, I come off like some Goth Version of  Ace Ventura behind a large family of serious, alternative, musicians. I don’t even know if they really like me much since I am so different.

  In the very top of my heart I hope that something comes up and I’m unable to go, perhaps there isn’t enough funding for me to go because I’m not detrimental to being there. It would make me feel so much better. I hate to disappoint, but I also hate to have to hide myself and not be able to be the person I am. Something’s I hear I disagree with, and it bothers me to have to hold myself down from things I’ve fought to be away from all my life. I believe in accepting a person for who they are and not living in a world of labels, you can claim yourself as one thing, but don’t, please don’t, think you have to stay in that place forever. If you chose to be a part of something, or to describe yourself as something, let that be it: A simple description, not an identification. Also, there isn’t anything wrong with exploration.

  I am also frightened of leaving and coming back to things being different. I am not so worried about my job, I believe my job is secured now. I am worried over my very long crush, which is the best way I can put it. I am doing the best I can to not over think, because I believe that most of my problems stem from my brain constantly thinking of the worst situations. I brought it up the last time I talked to this person, the reply was that he would be working. He does work a lot and I am doing the best I can to not be too needy, I suppose I’m still sort of confused from previous cases of him telling me I’m too obsessive for massaging him more than twice in a day, then other days not saying anything so’s not to be obsessive but him saying that he didn’t talk to me because I didn’t initiate conversation.  I also remember other days where he would sound upset because he said he was the only one talking to me where I wouldn’t start conversations with him. It’s all very confusing, but I’m working on giving him his time and not worrying about what he’s doing, meanwhile letting him know that I’m here and if he wants to talk then I will be more than happy to talk.  I would really love a chance to be more with him, and I want to do all I can. It must be normal to be scared, I don’t want to lose him and I would like to come back from overseas and everything to be just fine and like I never left, if not better. I would prefer it to be better, since this could be considered a vacation, which is what my crush is considering it for me to be. He is supportive of me going, but he doesn’t want me to be unhappy, he has wanted me to go on a trip somewhere for a while, I guess to get away from things. I am taking his word on it and doing what he says, I only want to feel more secure about when I come back. I will be able to keep in touch with him while I’m gone, I just won’t be able to see him or talk to him every day. Which I understand for some people that can be overwhelming; Talking or seeing the same person constantly. For me it never really was as long as if I liked them.

  I’ve always had separation anxiety since I can remember. If I was away from my mother, as a child, for any moment I would weep as though the world was crumbling at my feet. When I got older, when I started to make friends, anytime I got very close to someone it would wreck me when they would leave me. They all sort of wanted to shake me off and I’ve had to pull through it and keep a straight face the whole time.  It was rough and painful, and it still is. I’ve always wanted someone to love me as much as I love them, I would imagine that’s why I get so clingy and distressed when I have to leave someone. It’s certainly the best way to tell how much I adore a person; My reaction when they leave, even if it’s to go home after hanging out. It’s hard to find good company, and it’s just as hard to find someone to emotionally and physically connect to. I’m doing my best to stay positive, however. I also promised myself I wouldn’t stay up late and it’s already one AM. What kind of dilemma is it to break your own promises?! 

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Of love and fear

  It's been a while since I've come around here. Yes, I have deleted everything from here. It is because I plan on publishing my works once they are refined enough to share. Perhaps you consider that presumptuous of me, but you don't know me, therefore I don't care much. I am looking at it far differently than most beings and it will become an accomplishment that I will be proud of.

   One thing I have noticed is how difficult it is to navigate through this website, that being another reason for my long absence. Jezz, this site...what the hell? I find that you need to have every form of social media up and running to really do anything these days. Please, leave me alone about all this. I can't express enough how much I don't want a Google+, but every minute something pops up saying I should have one to keep this or that going. It really means absolutely nothing to have all these things running. What wrong with just talking and being happy with a few people being there? Also, it doesn’t help much for advertizing, being what would be considered, a struggling artist, I haven’t had any luck in that department. One must learn to network through living, breathing human beings, and selling themselves to really get much. Simply drawing a “cool” picture and putting it on your facebook like page won’t help you get more fans, unless you are already a known artist.

I think I'm getting off topic. I wouldn't mind trying this again since no one knows about it. I don't really know why it came to me. I can save paper and get thoughts down and no one has to listen to me. I just have to deal with a little box that pops up every 2 minutes telling me that I logged out somewhere, and maybe I can spend another half hour logging back in and finding my place. Maybe I can meet the person who started this and punch them in the face. That would solve a lot of problems, right? But at least my main page looks pretty damn groovy…amirite?

  Over judgmental and superficial people really frustrate me. I'd rather not deal with them but I seem to have fallen into a very unlikely circle of people with this personality. I don't see good things coming from this and I see myself hating them after the fact. I'm already a pretty terrible person as it is when it comes to things, I will be the first to amid that, yet the last thing I want to do is get on the bad side of more people because I've blown up for keeping things in for too long. I sort of feel that's what I've had to do all my life and even recently so that I don't upset anyone. Not because what I have to say is brash, just because my point of view is considered irreverent and uneducated. I am very sensitive, I have noticed. When I don’t feel secure, I become clingy and scared, and I start to ask a lot of questions. I also begin to doubt myself, uncontrollably so. When I am secure about where I stand with people, it’s very much the opposite.

  I have felt insecure after a recent incident. It has been suggested that everything is going to be okay now, as things are slowly starting to fix up. Yet, I still have some insecurities and I would like to know where I stand and to know that things WILL be OK. I’ve wanted to speak up, but I haven’t wanted to deal with anyone getting upset because it is very exhausting, simply having to deal with my body freaking itself out as the moment happens. I would like to know if I really do have a chance, if I can finally show my better person to this person? I was hoping on being fresh and new for this person, I have actually done a lot to help myself, while with them previously, but it wasn’t really something too noticeable and I don’t feel so good to have to point out those processes. I’ve been very secure a few times around them, but I’m not sure if this person noticed those times and I really don’t want to point them out.

  Love is a terrifying thing and with that the other person becomes so terrifying themselves, because it can really hurt or become something so sublime. I have noticed I fear this person for those reasons, and me being so timid and small, it makes it all the more bigger. However, I also feel that if I can break this and find that chance, then I can finally feel secure and protected. I often find myself wondering what’s going on and what’s this person doing? So I remind myself I am worrying too much and it’s 9pm and I’ve made myself sick thinking of all the things this person, quite possibly, may not be doing. This is one of the reasons I started modeling nude for art students at a community college, to cancel out the negative anxiety and focus on positive anxiety. I have put myself in other extreme situations for this same reason, such as working all heavy nights at the bar. On some nights I have specifically asked to be the only person there so that I can put myself in this zone, not for the money, but to work with people on a limited selection of alcohol, and learn to process my brain from one zone to the next. Anxiety filled to being able to process a bad situation into a good one. Sadly this hasn’t been do good since I become so over tired and I need to take breaks and I find myself in the walk-in fridge counting colours and lining bottles up. I still try though, to work with harder customers, the benefits are far more rewarding. I basically can pat myself on the back for memorizing the labels well and asking customers questions after they have taken their first sip.

   So that’s what’s on my mind right now, fear of the unknown position. I want to love but I’m scared of being hurt again, petrified. Meanwhile, I am also petrified of going on a long trip with people I may not have any fun with, when I would rather be working on my own stuff, enjoying the goings on here, and being with someone I feel strongly about. And jetlag….oh God…jetlag. Thanks for listening. Or well..not listing. Let’s see how I go with publishing this to the blog..