Thursday, April 16, 2015

High Anxieties

   I dreamt that my computer got a virus and started throwing a melee of pop ups and random pictures found on the internet all over the screen. Then my phone got the same virus, I had no idea what was happening and I needed to get to my car because it felt like everything was stopping me from doing what makes me happiest, and from my work. I was worried about my car. I questioned my writing skills and asked myself what happened since I used to write so much better than this. I thought about how last night wasn’t the best for anyone. It was then 5:20AM when my phone made a noise and I was told to meet up at 1:30PM. What was I going to do with my car? Leaving it in Springfield is not what I originally wanted to do, especially out in the road. I got up to see my mother, to have her look at my suit case. I said good-bye and I’ll let her know when I’m there. I couldn’t sleep all night, I kept checking my phone which kept going off because of the mass message I was involved in. I kept checking to see if it might have been someone far more important to me, but he wasn’t messaging me. It was pretty early anyway, and I really wanted to sleep and I know he lets me sleep, I turned the message volume down. I had to be up at 9 for some reason.

   My mother asked me if this is what I really wanted to do, I know what she’s meaning, which is annoying, but I looked at her and shrugged. It isn’t exactly, I was hoping I could do something better and more organized. I seem to be good at getting myself involved in failing events, places, and even people. I look to myself to try to fix them, I know how, but it takes a whole community to fix something and there is no community. There is no harmony with the things I get involved with, and that’s what I need to deliver. I know that I can, however no one listens to me because I am considered simple and even innocent. No, this isn’t what I really wanted to do, I got involved with it because of a hasty decision, and I told myself to take new opportunities if they came at me this year. I also had no idea that this was what it was going to be like; I thought there was more structure, more community. Or maybe I’m feeling my nerves acting up because I wanted more before I went away and I’m scared of being on my own and not myself for a while. I know the shows will be an entertaining delight, I know that working out is going to be a pain in the ass. Sleeping may or may not be fruitful and my musings will not be understood. Once I am out my nerves will calm down more, I’ve also suffered from not much sleep for a few weeks. I am aiming to get more of that on the way. I feel jetlag will actually be beneficial for me. It was the last time I left the country.

   I haven’t even put on make-up or dried my hair as of yet, I’m not ready for anything  right now. I’m pondering more about what to make of my car, since no one else has thought of this. If I know myself, I know I will think of something, none of which will help my stomach from feeling so unsettled. It will help if I can talk to my crush for a little, he can make things feel better. I am still anxious about being away from him. He has been there for a long time, I like that and I’m used to it. I really do love and care about him. I have brought up my woes a little to him, he has told me that nothing will happen besides work and fixing up his home. I love it when he says that his home will be all new when I get back. The little bit of anticipation in his voice is wonderful. I’m mostly scared because of how much I feel for him, having my feelings out on the line have hurt me so much in my life, and previous issues has hurt me greatly, and he has now become something quite frightening to me because I really see how deeply I feel about him. When a person feels that way about another, that other person becomes an absolutely scary person. I have my feelings lying out for him to do as he pleases with, and I’m praying that they don’t get hurt again. I want things stitched up, I am ready for being loved and to love in return. He helped me with my overseas works outs last night and titled the document he sent me ‘Mittens’ and my heart swelled. I never even thought I’d ever like someone calling me Nikki. But only him.   

I should probably finish getting ready, I am very tired. 

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

The Blue Period

   It could be considered weird to be posting twice in one day. I am feeling on edge, even a little down. I don’t care for this part of the coaster. I’m ready to go. I have all my items together except what’s in the wash at this very moment. Right now the part I need to work on is the spare room, I need to figure out a place for all my art work and the work I still have of my crushes. It would have been fabulous to have been able to hang these works up somewhere for this month so that they could be in the care of someone else and out of the way of my parents. Unfortunately for me the month that everything was up and out of the way has passed and I never got around to doing the Silver Cow because of all other sorts of issues that I care not to think about ever again. I wanted to ask some friends if they could look after my works and show them every now and then, to sell my works the way I’ve done for others, but then I remembered I don’t have many friends. I have a hand full of friends that would actually do that and they are busy doing their own stuff, of which I would rather not bother them with extra stuff to worry about. I practically don’t talk to anyone anymore, which is either their choice, my choice, or because I don’t want to burden anyone. This art work is proving to be a hard thing to deal with (why I stopped doing a lot of art in the first place). I love it, I really do, and the works I care for from others, I love them too and I want to sell them for all of us. I should probably work on that harder when I get back. Money helps every little bit, on top of that my crush has some dental work he wants done at some point, I want to help him a lot with it. I hate feeling so useless though, except for money circumstances.  I would like to be able to do more than just loan out money or give money.

    I’m feeling super disheartened by everything, I feel this all the time; you can tell me that every day and all day. I get it. I suppose it hasn’t helped that everyone around me seems to be irritated. My parents are frustrated because I haven’t given them information about my travels and I keep walking away from them which is hurting their feelings, My crush is irritated from exhaustion and other stuff (possibly stress from house issues), The band I’m touring with is all irritated by all the stress that’s surrounding them and personal problems, I’m irritated because I don’t have any information, I can’t solve any of these problems, nagging, my status in life, and I feel as though I can’t express my feelings without being reprimanded in some strange way for feeling this way. There are people that think I should know everything, and those that think I should just be funny and happy. Just be funny and make everyone laugh...this is going to be who I’m supposed to be for a month. I would like to have been able to see everyone off on happier terms but it simply isn’t a good time for anyone. I have a few days that I can still talk to my crush, which is nice, but I don’t know if he will want to talk. I really hate feeling so insecure and worried. I have broken out a bit around my chin, which profoundly sucks.

    My positive side is doing its best to break through, this littlest part of me in the back of my head that keeps me going, even if it’s for the fuckery of it. These are legitimate reasons for keeping my head up, however. Not just bullshit that someone tells another person like; It’ll be okay/ Darkest before dawn and all that good bullocks when everyone knows that your dog just got hit by a car, not just hit but practically slaughtered and you can take it to the vet but you damn sure that thing isn’t coming back, and that same day you just got a note from the doctor saying that you have HIV and a malignant tumor that will kill you very slowly and very painfully…and you broke! Those being the positives of the day. Hallmark cards can’t fix that. Anyway, no, I tell myself more realistic things. You can’t have success doing the same thing all the time, or as my crush likes to tell me “Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.”  This is something very new and very different from what I normally do therefore, it’s all brand new. Of course I wonder if this will be beneficial in anyway, I have no idea, but it’s different, I’m going to go with that. After that I get to go home for a little, I also get to visit new places that I’ve never been before. Brand new experiences-yay- never been to Germany-yay n’ shit- brand new places to explore for a little bit if I can. Next, I picked the best colour to paint my nails, they look great, it’s a perfect purple. Pretty n’ shit. It’s only a month, a sort of vacation, when I get back my crush will be there and so will my job. My hope is that my bar will be doing better and can pay me all the money I am owed and get me back on to an hourly schedule, and then my crush may perhaps want to give me a chance as being something more than what we are. I have wanted those for a while though. For sure, when I get back, my art and cartoons and writings will be here. I hope to have the energy to work on those and complete them this year.

   These are my desires. I only have to break through this long period of slowness. 

Two Types of People.

   It was interesting yesterday, I was talking to the figure drawing teacher about some issues and while we were walking to the gallery she says, “Love is never enough.” Go back a few months ago where I read an article comparing two well known singers on their choices of meanings towards people/loved ones and the like. John Lennon and Trent Reznor; The Beetles and Nine Inch Nails. The Beetles sang about love, equalization and all that such, NIN goes on about broken hearts and all sorts of angst. One famous song by the Beetles is “All You Need Is Love.” And then for the NIN song: “Love Is Not Enough.” The article makes a lot of sense, although I was curious if I was simply being biased because I like NIN more than the Beetles, and John Lennon has always kind of irked me, where as Trent has always been pretty heart melting for me. Still, hearing her say “Love is never enough” left me with a spark. It is nothing but clear. One cannot simply love a human and expect all to be satisfied and well, there will be fights, there will be issues, there will be building, there will be growth; There is you and there is them. With all that, there is love, but to love one must sacrifice and make the best of themselves and the person that they are loving. To shine a light off yourself, and to break free that light inside another. With that, and for the concept of children, love is never enough: that is your whole life. You must sacrifice yourself to construct another being. You give up apart of yourself to bring up another. That is if you want to do it properly. Similar to some bugs, where they sacrifice themselves as their babies first meal, that is not just love, that is human nature. The good things with humans, is that they can usually get back to what they are passionate  about after a little while when things have settled down a bit.

   It’s odd to imagine that love and sacrifice can be one and the same.  That does not mean we lose ourselves and our love dwindles, it means we know how to nurture and how to balance what is right, wrong, and responsible. Putting aside our selfish desires, to make a stronger bond.

   It’s beautiful to see that there are others out there that know this, I can only wish them the best and to please carry this on. I feel much of the world gets taught backwards thinking and with that generations get messed up. There are a lot of things to mend. 

Monday, April 13, 2015

Too Much...

   I spent most of the day packing and preparing myself for my trip. The majority of the time was spent with my new Ipod, new as in from Christmas. I suppose I should have spent more time with it earlier on when I first got it, so then I wouldn’t have wasted so much of my day pouring music into it. There is still so much music that I haven’t gone through but I feel that 749 songs should keep me well occupied during my free and immobile moments on the travels. I’m pretty pleased with how much I have packed, I even have a tiny bit of room for those last minute extras. Best part is that on my way back, if all goes according to plan, I should have a little more room, due to a monthly cycle and using up packets of baby wipes to keep myself cleaned without being able to bathe. My only sadness is that I was unable to really pack my loveliest outfits since it wouldn’t be all too practical since many of those outfits don’t mix and match well with one another. I remind myself that I will probably not be going out to interact with society like the band will, and with that I probably won’t be seen so much with the band to feel the desire to look as excellent and flamboyant as them. I did however, treat myself with a simple small dress, since I have items that work with it and it is small and easy to transport. I would like to be able to wear something very lovely at least once, something feminine and delicate, just because. I would like to bring the necklace someone special got me one year, but I’m too scared of it breaking. If I can carry my back pack AND big purse on (which normally I should, but I don’t know Singapore airlines so well) I may carry it on with me. I cherish it, I cherish anything he gets me, anything he makes for me. I will feel very lovely with it and the dress.

   I have discovered that we will be departing for Europe from New York, which is neat, I’ve never been to New York nor have I departed abroad from anywhere but LA. I understand, just like my experience with LA, that departing doesn’t mean you’ve visited the area. It will still be neat to feel the air difference and the energy difference. It’s still a strange travel plan to me. I’m not excited about all the driving. I won’t be out of the country ‘til the 18th. We will be driving to NY, kind of annoying if you can understand what it’s like to fly abroad. But I suppose you do what you have to do, and they’ve done this for about 15 years and it’s worked for them. Sometimes it feels as though a lot of things I’ve done these past few years have almost been preparing me for this tour. Such as; learning to properly hand wash clothes, cope with messy and oily hair/skin, living a little more on the simpler/basic side of things…I am still indulging because I can and I want to, because it’s me and I love dressing nice, also because I feel I should  (and I don’t feel so comfortable as to wear just a giant shirt with my hair sticking up on all ends and no make-up, as I can around my special someone)..but it is odd. I’m still worried about not fitting in and feeling very lonely most of the trip. I have taken precautions to bring a new sketchbook and a kindle filled with books, so when I start to feel my heart dropping I can do something new to take my time off the loneliness.  I do hope I’ll be able to have the ability to get online to check my mail an okay amount of time, without racking up a huge phone bill on my phone. I’m sort of hoping that someone will have some kindness towards me, if worse comes to worse, and allow me to use a computer to check mail and other such things. I know someone will have a computer. I know. I’m still deciding on jackets to bring, my body is no longer acclimated to European weather, so I want so badly to bring my fantastic, gigantic, beast coats, but I can’t for the fuck of me remember what 50-60F felt like over there.

   I simply already can’t wait to be back! I really want to work on my book, my comic book, my body, and my other art works. I do feel though now, that having a little vacation wouldn’t hurt me. It would be nice if this could benefit me in some way for my art career, but I don’t know how. It would be neat to make new friends, but again I don’t know how. It would be really nice to get to say hi to some of my family members, but I don’t believe we will be in the right area to where my cousin is having her wedding. I think, around 3 hours out of the way. I mostly want to get on my comic, I want to fix some of the little problems that have been noted and start writing that next script; Which is something else I need to bring, my notebooks for my comics! Who knows what I might be able to think of while I’m traveling.

   I really do love music. Ridiculously. But I will admit, going through it to put stuff on my mp3 player kinda made me hate the fact that I love curtain artists so deeply. Every time I opened a folder with a favourite artists name on it, I was silently screaming at all the music that I had to shift through. It was like Fi-Fi-Fo-Fuck and I was engulfed by a horde of really awesome tiny bugs that I absolutely loved but I couldn’t keep my eye on where I was going so I didn’t step on them and then BAM, they’ve covered my entire body and I can’t breathe and I am dead. It’s okay though, I really liked it, it’s all my favourite songs..but, sweet apple archers, if my fav musicians aren’t damn prolific in their genius and their fans aren’t some crazy fuckers.  

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Humans and Computers Don't Compute Together

It’s only a few more days, that is all that has been on my mind, and everything else that comes along with being gone. I am constantly haunted by the phrase “Out of sight, out of mind.” All my life; I remember the first time I came to encounter those words, it was an episode of the animated series of Beetlejuice.  The cartoon, of course, took it to a different level thanks to its over abundance in the pun play, but still. That phrase…makes me shutter. In the cartoon Lydia and Beetlejuice had a fight causing Lydia to walk away from Bj and his antics of which, according to him, he can’t help and makes him who he is. This separation causes Bj to go into such a depression that he pulls her inside his head, because he cannot get her out of his thoughts because he loves her so much. In the cartoon he had to say the phrase to get her out of his head and back into life. Cute, however when I hear it elsewhere, it is not a pun nor is it something sweet and innocent. People say it with such gloom that it absolutely crushes me. I think that sometimes, I am the only person who is unable to feel this compilation of words as fully as everyone else. I find that it’s some of the most apathetically powerful words in existence. What a way to ruin a person’s day.

I would like to take it to the lesser extremes. Yes, an item. I forgot to give someone their Tupperware back even after I washed it and told myself to bring it to work if in case he comes in. “Nick, you should put it with your bag so you see it and don’t forget it.” I’ll stare at the item for 5 minutes thinking, knowing, and playing it all in my head with what will happen. I then tell myself; “Yes, I won’t forget it. I’ll dry it later, my god, I am exhausted.”  Outta Sight, Outta Mind; That’s a mild way of using that saying, the simple things in life that don’t matter to you, when not in your line of vision won’t linger around your thoughts. Now, when adding a living being person to that; ouch. That’s not to say that I haven’t forgotten about someone because, let me reassure you, I forget a name and a face, only when I don’t interact with them enough making them barely a background character in my life. But I could never forget someone so important in my life and that’s where the cliché gets to me. People say things like this, and it terrifies me when they say it about people that matter so much in my life, with that I hear myself say it when someone becomes important to me. Please, don’t forget about me. Please, keep me. Please, love me forever.  Don’t ever stop, because I cannot. But I would suppose that almost sounds too desperate. One can’t tell another person that without scaring the living hell out of them.

Another thing to note, the idiom expresses the total opposite of who I am, and any other individual like myself. Which I believe is one of the reasons why it frightens me so much. It displays the concept of an emotionless life form. Think computers; I cannot equate myself to a machine for I am not. Another phrase, which I have heard rides a similar line as “Out of sight, out of mind”, and one that I personally love, because it cancels out the lack of humanity in that phrase is: “Computers can wreak a nice peach” or in other words: “Computers can recognize speech.” Please, don’t equate yourself to a computer, you are not a machine.  

 I don’t know what I mean to people, I would like to know, the answers that could pop up concern me though. I imagine no one thinks of me unless they need something that they know I could assist them with, because I will bend over backwards for people. I don’t know why, I can’t even say that it’s only for people I like, because I have been known to prop up those who have hurt me. I do know there are cases where individuals that I have come in contact with have begged others to bring me back to them. I have even had people borderline stalk me. I wouldn’t call it obsession; I am unable to think of anything that could make a person obsess over me, those individuals though, I can safely say are not the kind of people a person should really be interacting with. Perhaps it’s something else? I haven’t the slightest idea, and I want to, so badly. I worry about being a disappointment. I worry about failure. I worry about coming back to nothing. I worry about simply being in the way. I want to stop being obsessed over the anxiety of this trip. Just don’t forget about me, keep me and love me.  Don’t listen to that idiom. Remember me.  I feel like I’m rambling because I’m feeling nervous about things I have to do. I had a good day today, I wanted to be selfish and have it last forever. I want to have more good days like that, I’d love even better days! I hope when I get back they’ll be even better! I also hope…he doesn’t love Cheetos more than he loves me…

There are good expressions out there, there have been plenty in my life I have had to say to myself over and over. Just as there are good words. I have to remind myself;
-What other people think of me is none of my business.
- But sometimes your light attracts moths, and your warmth attracts parasites. Protect your space and energy.
-Don’t judge a book by its cover.
-You’re still going to be criticized, so you may as well do as you please.
-If you can’t beat them, dress better than them.
-Man is least himself when he talks in his own person, give him a mask and he will tell you the truth.

-It’s showtime.

Monday, April 6, 2015

Book ideas and unfunny twists

  The trip gets closer and closer and it’s official that I will be going, all I can really do now is make the best of it. I’ve bought a few nice things just for it, this including straws to keep my necklaces in order and a new nail polish colour so that I can have my nails painted with something new for when I go. I wish I could say I was excited, I sort of feel apathetic with a mixture of the need to get everything on my list of life goals completed. Right. Now. That second one is normal. My anxiety goes up and down, I feel a little better when I talk to that special someone, since he’s reassured me multiple times that he is working most of the time, but I suppose nothing feels as secure as it would if he could just tell me that I’m over thinking,  everything will be fine when I get back, and “We’ll still be able to talk, unless you don’t have access to the internet. I love you.” And other stuff that make people sick to their stomachs and wish they went and saw a different movie. But who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky and I can get some fresh air and get some new work done. I plan on bringing a sketch book, perhaps even a smaller note book, a friend told me to write everything I thought of down. I think a lot, mostly in the car, and I wish I could write those thoughts down because, although it sounds pretentious, I do find much of it insightful and I know that it would look better on paper.

  Sadly, I don’t have much faith in my book getting published before I leave, as I had planned. It’s taking a little longer and as I go through it with my own check-ups after the edits, I still worry that perhaps there is something silly about doing it. You could say it’s cold feet about putting it out there. There are moments that I feel embarrassed to allow others to read what’s in my head, that maybe they will see me as something far different, far more sexual, even far more arrogant in my own self worth, or even completely idiotic. Which is something I should point out is not what I am trying to say in these works. These are dreams, and that’s not how they are read. Many of them I still don’t know what they were saying, many of them I do however, and they are certainly not saying that I have the ability to entrance human beings with stunning capabilities, nor do I have the ability to morph my gender and look like Bruce Campbell from the first Evil Dead or something of that sort. Some of them are fairly embarrassing, but the few people that have been willing to hear them say they are good, so I’m going with that. I do think that these works are exciting, inspirational, and very intriguing for anyone that wants to analyze dreams. Although I am letting a huge guard down letting these out, because all my insecurities, and thoughts, and the like, are available to fit into the hands of anyone that may want to read more into my thoughts. I am scared of someone actually taking the time to read them properly and finding out about these problems, and past issues, and simply knowing so much about my personal life and even holding that against me…somehow? But honestly, who is going to spend that much time reading about me? That’s what helps me to keep this thing going. These dreams have been going on since 2006 ‘til 2012, a lot has happened in my time and is fascinating to see the dramatic changes within my dreaming state.

   The second book is displaying all sorts of new things, although extremely slow. That one will be far more nerve-racking than the first. Yet, I have plenty more time to work with that one, if it’s as long as the first, it’ll take about 6 more years. God knows what all might happen in that time, I also only have 16 pieces for that one, where as the first has 55. The second book has works that are hard for me to re-read to myself for the emotional distress that are addressed in them. However, I know they will be fairly exciting for someone to read. Still, that’s that.

  My comic, Ziggy. I am unsure how this is going. I do believe the first three pages are superb, despite some of the art being a little, well…not. As I’ve worked on it, I tell myself over and over that this is the first comic, they are always generally crummy. A person has to get passed those openings where they get to know the characters before they can get to those fantastic action packed shots that involve the story and make your heart bleed. From what I’ve figured of the second part, that’s going to be sorta lame too. (it will never be as terrible as the original sketch though!) I do think I can get this first one done before I leave to go abroad, though. I inked the last page tonight, it’s drying right now. Tomorrow if I have the time I can paint it up then thicken up the ink lines and add the word bubbles. Also crafting that last panel, ( I say crafting because I am adding things more than just illustrations) Trust me, it’s not as elaborate as I am explaining. Later on it will be though, I am determined for it. It would be pretty great if I could get Ziggy published before the end of this year! It would also be great to fill in all the missing scenes of the story I have written out. Once Ziggy is on the role, I hope to have my other comic, Grass…, figured out. I really just need the first episode figured out. I don’t know why I want things more complicated, I should be able to simplify things, but they just aren’t simple comics, they are graphic novels, and I want people to see something new they never realized was there, every time they read them.  On top of that, myself and loved ones are inside all my comics, and maybe people that I don’t like so much. A little piece of everything that has impacted my life lies in everything I do. But a rare few will be able to see it.

  I should probably get some people to look at Ziggy and give me their opinions on the story and how it looks. If there is anything that needs changing I can simply craft the page, one of the reasons why I thought crafting pages would be a good idea. Only one of the reasons. 

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Forget me not

      I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. I’m pretty prone to them, generally they are from anxiety issues, different kinds I would say. Even still, I’ve always been pretty confused as of why. I get night terrors once in a while too. I’ve always had trouble sleeping unless I feel some sort of comfort.  Last night was just sad. It was a basic dream, I would say reoccurring, but I don’t have this same dream all the time. I do have the same feeling and idea, which is what is reoccurring. It’s not something to really write down for my second book because, it just doesn’t feel like something that could be put in a good poem format. Maybe: I was in the dining room. My father was in the kitchen and my mother was on the other side of the dining room with me. My mother and father kept telling me it was time to go. I was working on my food list. There were lots and lots of numbers floating around my papers. Papers everywhere. I looked up and there was different types of foods that I was writing down. My father picked up something, it was called “Waist line” I guess it was some sort of small diet candy. I remember saying no to it, I didn’t want candy then I looked around for my mother. I heard the door shut and the car start so I started running to her otherwise I would be late for school.  I go outside and she is gone. She completely left me. I remember everything spinning, like some sort of camera on a spinning crane and I run back inside the house and fall to the floor. I’m bundled in clothes and I start bawling uncontrollably. Just sobbing, and then I am a child again, with my hair up in the high pony tail my mother would put it in when I was a baby. My father was watching me kind of apathetically. I just sat there crying because she left me, she forgot me.

   As I have mentioned before, I have separation anxiety with people whom I am deeply attached to.  I do love my mother, but I don’t have a bond with her, nor do I feel as attached to her as I did when I was a baby or even when I was a teenager. The older I’ve gotten the more I’ve pulled myself away from her. I barely talk to her anymore, especially since I moved back in with her and my father. I pretty much never had a relationship with my father unless you call fighting a relationship. We see differently and he has a very short temper, he is also a selfish person and even has had moments where he doesn’t consider my mother and I his family. He isn’t very open minded. My mother has also started to close her mind off more and she’s always over drank herself. It’s easy to say that they weren’t a very nurturing couple. My mother never even liked kids and never wanted them, children sort of kept her from doing what she always wanted. She sort of likes them now, however. I turned out to be a very needy and physical child, I liked being near people and always wanted to cuddle, but I wasn’t even allowed on a person’s lap. I would hold hands in public places so’s not to get lost but it wasn’t the kind of hand holding that family’s do to keep their children safe from loss. It was more of a tight pull that always said “Don’t you dare leave my side, do you understand!” not even a real question. Their just wasn’t much support or nurturing in the house hold I was in.

   This has carried on, I’m terrified of being left behind and the irony of it is that friends and family have left me a lot with in my life. During my morning run I had a memory of around the age of 9 or 10, with my closest friend. I was staying at her house, it was her birthday and they all went to a pizza place. Her and her other friends left before I got there, I was told that when her mother got home she would take me to them. I waited, her mother was working late. I never went. I went back home. The next time I saw her I listened to all the fun she had with her other friends,’ I should have been there’, but they didn’t want to wait for me to ride my bike to her house or pick me up. We were best friends. I remember another time, for another birthday of hers, where all of her friends and I were playing around the neighborhood, they left me behind because I couldn’t keep up. I saw them playing back at her house, so I went inside, grabbed my toys I brought with me and walked home. No one noticed I was gone until her mother called my mother later in the evening asking if I went home because she couldn’t find me. The next time I saw my friend, again, they had a lot of fun, I should have been there. They all forgot about me though. It was terrifying for me.

    I can be a little over nurturing sometimes due to this. I know how hurtful it is. Last year a regular came in to the bar on a Friday night, she was going through a hard break up with her boyfriend, she was seriously in pain. I was crippling from every inch of my body from the story. I was frustrated because I knew what she needed but no one was helping me out behind the bar to let me give it to her. I held her hand while I gave her shots, while I gave other people shots, while I cashed people out, and so on so forth. I hated seeing her face so plastic and unfocused. She said that she wished she had some sort of outlet like normal people, for when she was upset, like some people get blackout drunk or some form of self harm to normalize the matter. Now during this time, I would inch myself closer over the bar to be closer to her. Then she said that she wished she had the capacity to cut herself just so that she could get through this. It may be a little dramatic but again, I understand the issue, still I couldn’t bear to hear a human saying that. I jumped over the bar and grabbed her. I held her tightly; I know it was a shock because of her reaction at first. But she very quickly wrapped her arms around me and started crying into my chest. I told her to never feel that way again, you don’t need to feel that way ever again. I don’t really know that girl; I only knew that my bar carried nothing she enjoyed drinking at the time. I do know that she has never had that before; people don’t do those things anymore. I remember yelling at the younger bar tender at the time to get off her phone and get to work while I cradled this very large lady. It was one of those moments that people saw me in a different light, a light that made me more sympathetic. This is something I find upsetting, because I am that sympathetic but people think I’m cold hearted, I never understood. The girl hasn’t been back since that day in December.

     During my nightmare, when I woke and sat up, all I wanted to do was pull myself in to my dream. I tried lifting my hands to my head, imagining them going inside my brain and in to my subconscious. Reaching down to my child self and picking her up and walking away with her. Keeping very tight hold of her and telling her that all she needs is herself. I wanted to dry her face and coo her until she stopped crying, then sit somewhere quiet holding her tightly. There is a huge sadness for me when children cry, I have a hard time with it when it really is distress. Even imagining stories told to me about people when they were children. Many of the stories my crush tells me or that I heard about him has a child make me want to turn back time, find him, and nurture him. A silly one of him getting pepper spray in his face messing around with, what I would imagine would have been considered an empty bottle. That had to have been painful. Silly, curious thing…I would like to be able to do more, but it happened years ago, I can’t stop it or soothe it and he doesn’t seem to harbor any form of resentment for it, I shouldn’t feel so bad. I still want to love that little part of him. He’s really the only person that’s ever seen me as loveable and he’s not afraid to touch me. Although I know he isn’t a super cuddly person, it’s not his nature. I have to remind myself that.

        Sadly children don’t seem to be my strong suit, even the child I am babysitting isn’t a very cuddly thing. There was a moment where she seemed to want to cuddle after getting scared but even then she was back on her feet running around with in the second.  And all I did was carry her down the stairs telling her that she’ll be fine and it was just a scary moment, her nose is still on her face. I would like to be able to overcome this, or at least comfort this problem of mine, although I am unsure of the best way to go about it as it sort of involves others and my need for physical and positive involvement. I have taken precautions, twice now, in my life, to clean myself of individuals of whom are of no means necessary for me. People who cause me stress and people I simply do not enjoy being around. I limit my time around people I don’t want to be around, my only problem is that I will be going on that trip soon with people I sort of don’t want to be around but I have plans on how to cope and survive this trial and to be honest with them when they ask me my opinions on things. How they see me shouldn’t matter to me, I am who I am and they will think what they will of me no matter what. Also, as long as I can come back to a person who is unafraid and loving to me, that’s all that matters. I certainly do hope it all works out.